I Love You Both.

He found her personal diary while clearing the cupboard. There was a lot of dust on the hard bound cover of the book. It had been 5 years since he stepped inside that room. He hesitated a bit but couldn't fight his conscience that kept saying “it’s her personal diary, you’re not supposed to read”, “Sorry”, he said loud enough for her to hear.  A photograph fell near his feet when he opened the diary. He bent to pick it up and a smile lingered on his face. It was taken almost 8 years back when he took her to Paris on a holiday. They asked a local man to take a picture of them standing in front of the Eiffel Tower. The man yelled something which she didn't understand, but he did and in response yelled back, “si, monsieur!” Right when the man was about to take the picture, he took her face into his hands and kissed her gently. He broke the kiss only to chuckle when he saw her eyes widen in surprise. The man gave the camera back to him and spoke in a thick French voice. He replied with a polite, “merci beaucoup!” “How can you kiss me like that in front of everyone? And what did he say? God, French isn't easy to comprehend”, she strode across to a bench and sat down, eyeing him furiously. “Kiss me again and I’ll tell you”, he winked. “No more kissing. Not in public. Now tell me. What did he say?” she was losing her temper now. “’You’re the most beautiful couple I've ever seen, your kids will be just like her, pretty and have big eyes like hers.’ That’s what he said.” She couldn't hide her blushing cheeks. He placed the photograph back in her diary; it meant a great deal to him, that picture and those memories.

As he skimmed through the pages he realized that every page she filled, it was all about him. How they met at college. How he planned a surprise birthday party for her. How he got a job at this huge multinational company. How he proposed to her. How he convinced her father for their marriage. How he didn't break his promise by taking her to Paris and kissing her at the Eiffel Tower. How he deflowered her in their suite at Switzerland. How he jumped in excitement when she whispered in his ear that he’s going to be a father. How he cried while holding their daughter for the first time. Every little thing was written down in the book in great detail. He always wondered at the fact that she found peace and happiness in writing. Her ability to give a shape to her feelings in the form of words was formidable. She wasn't a very outspoken woman but when she wrote, there was no stopping her. He was reaching the end of the book, it was then he realized that the paper was blotted with what looked like tears and the ink was smeared here and there making it difficult for him to read. He read and re-read and tried hard to decipher those distorted lines but in vain. After every line that was written, a couple of words would get disappeared in the tear-stained paper. It then hit him as if implying a very important fact he had overseen. He checked the date silently praying that it was all a lie, a bit fat lie. His heart stopped for a while and he forgot how to breathe. “She knew.”

He sat down on the bed in that room. It was their room 5 years ago. He switched on the light and it flickered to life as he held his breath to read further. It was a week after she had given birth to their first child, a girl. The little one looked exactly like her mother, pretty, and of course had big beautiful eyes. She had lied to him, that was the first, saying she had to see the doctor regarding some vaccinations for their daughter. She was diagnosed with a fatal disease, the name so complicated it took her 15 minutes to learn the correct pronunciation, a week before the day she went into labour. The doctor gave her a choice to either give up on the baby and get treated or die giving birth to her child. She didn't think twice and went for the second option pleading her doctors not to tell anyone about her ailment or her decision. He loved kids and had waited years to have his own, she knew him better than the rest. All she wanted was to see him happy even though she wasn't being a part of his happiness. She told her parents after a couple of days and asked them to take care of her husband and their child. Her parents did everything possible to change her mind, but it was too late. She had signed her death statement already and nothing could be undone. Day after day she cried as she wrote it all in her dairy and apologized to him for lying every minute. She didn't want to hurt him; he would choose her over their baby definitely, so she secretly stuffed her medical reports in a corner of her wardrobe.

He hurried to their wardrobe where her sarees were still there, all neatly pressed and leaving a faint familiar smell of her’s. He rummaged through her clothes and found a thick file with many papers inside. He was scared to open it and read, scared to find out the truth she hid from him. Flipping through the reports he managed to understand some medical terms but failed to get a complete view of what killed her. His head was spinning and knees went weak. “She would never lie to me”, he repeated again and again. He went back to the dairy and read, the day before the girl was born the doctor made her father sign all the documents which read that the hospital or the doctor was not responsible for anything that could kill her. She cried the whole night writing these couple of pages, as he turned them, they were almost going to tear. His mind was unable to think and process the terrible things she had to go through in those days. He was numb and couldn't move a muscle, nonetheless kept reading. She wrote a small description of him on the day he held their new born child. Nothing can ever describe that feeling he thought, but what she wrote in there was the best he had ever read in his life. A tear rolled over his cheek and touched his smile. It was a miracle that she survived for the next few days after the delivery, that’s what the doctors had told. Her parents were rejoicing that the God had answered their prayers and saved two dearest lives. Little did they know their joy is going to be short lived. She convinced the doctors to discharge her the next day and went to her parents’ house. “I’m absolutely fine”, she said, assuring him.

The night before she died, she came home late from the hospital, he sat in the living room, worried that she wasn't answering his calls nor replying to his messages. By the time she reached home, she was tired from taking in all those drugs and injections. Her eyes were swollen and she had lost a bit of colour. He hugged her tight and noticed that she had become thin and weak. “You need to eat well”, he fed her dinner and inquired if everything was all right. “I’m okay, it’s just that I’m a bit tensed about taking care of her”, she turned her head in the direction where the girl slept. “Hey. You’ll be a great mother. And don’t you worry, I’m always here”, “Promise me that you will take good care of her?”, she looked straight into his eyes. “What do you mean “you will”? It’s “we will”, love” he kissed her long and took her to their bed, carrying their daughter over his shoulders carefully. “Isn't she beautiful?” he kissed on her tiny forehead and put her back on the bed between them and watched her sleeping. “Thank you” he said. “For what?” she asked. “For making me a father. I love you both!” he slowly wiped his tears. And she was satisfied with what she got, his happiness, even if her life was at the stake. He insisted that she should sleep early and was too tired to stay awake and write. She didn't want to sleep then and knew  he can’t say ‘no’ to her. It was 2 a.m. when she finished writing and went back to sleep. She kissed both him and her, holding back the tears.

He shut the book and cried into his hands. It was all playing in his head again, no matter how much he tried to forget it, he couldn't. It was his worst nightmare; he wanted to wipe it off and wanted to wake up next to her every morning. But that’s not going to happen. The morning sun lit their room brightly and woke him up. He noticed that there was a calm atmosphere around him and he didn't feel good about it. She was on the other side of the bed, her back facing him, he didn't want to wake her up. He got ready to leave for work and was constantly checking on the baby if she too was awake. He had to wake her up before leaving home, there was no one else to take care of the girl. Reluctantly, he sat on the end of the bed and called out for her, she didn't answer. He shook her hand a little and called out again, she didn't even flinch. “That’s odd, she should be awake”, he thought. His legs froze when he noticed that she wasn't breathing. He called the hospital for an ambulance and then her parents. “Oh God, I love you, please wake up!” he went on saying the same thing for over a hundred times but she wouldn't even bat her eyelid. The girl started crying and her grandparents couldn't calm her down, they too were weeping now. The doctors confirmed that she breathed her last 5 hours ago and were sorry for the family’s loss. Since then their room stayed locked and he never visited it until now. They say time heals everything, sure it does, but it cannot give back what has been lost, right?

He picked the dairy again and went to the last page. It read, “Hi. I knew you’d be reading this, sooner or later. It’s okay you know, I forgive you for invading my privacy. The day I met you at the college canteen is still fresh in my memory. You were so handsome, not that you aren't now, it was my dream come true. When all the girls were lost in their dreams of meeting the Prince Charming, I was dreaming about you. Simple, yet so sophisticated. Intelligent, yet very silly. If you wouldn't have proposed to me after the graduation party, I was going to do it. No kidding. I had completely fallen for you, my love. And what more can I say, it was a fairy tale indeed. Our love story, our marriage, our holiday trips. I was angry when you kissed me in the public at Paris, yes, I wanted to get kissed there, I've always fantasized about getting kissed in Paris, but the hell, not in front of everyone. I still hate you for that. And Switzerland has become my favourite destination for the reasons you know very well. I wish we never left that place. Oh, the day my pregnancy test reports came in, I cried for how long I don’t know, I mean happy tears. It was all worth it to see your eyes shine with joy. It’s the best gift you've ever given me. Being a mother isn't that easy, yes, this I've learnt during past few months. But I’ll tell you what, I could do anything to make you laugh like a child whenever you felt the baby kick inside. You’ll be the best father in this whole wide world. Listing down everything at 1 a.m. isn't a good idea and I’m very tired, your daughter has tired me, for your information. Sorry, our daughter. To thank you for everything that you've done to me, I’m sure this lifetime won’t be enough and I don’t have much time from what the doctors have told me. “

“Yes, I've been lying to you all this time, I’m sorry. Hope you forgive me. I know telling the truth is always better, but I didn't want the better option for you, I wanted the best. And here you have the best, our daughter. You've been an amazing husband, but most importantly, you've been the best friend of all. Don’t you worry, I’ll be fine. I’m sorry I’m leaving you. I’m sorry I’m leaving her. Take care of yourself and her. I love you both. A lot! ”

Soumya Inavilli